It's Been a While

It seems like it's all the same thing, though.  Feeling unwanted, unloved, etc.  I would love to have a loving relationship with a woman but the depression always gets in the way.  It seems most women don't really care about a deep, loving relationship but just want one that's convenient for them until it ceases to be convenient. 

I am SOOOO Bored

And even if I were to go out and about I'd still be bored.  I've been trying to deal with it with Star Trek: The Next Generation, but alas, that isn't working very well.  I could watch my JELL-O solidify in my fridge but that wouldn't be very exciting either, nor would it be good for the food in the fridge.

Life Can Sometimes Suck A Lot

I've been seeing a lady that I originally hoped would lead to a romantic relationship but I'm afraid it just won't happen.  It's not that she's not interested, she is, and I like her, too.  But she drains me.  It could be that she suffers from depression as well but I don't think that's the reason.  In any case, after I see her I end up having an anxiety attack, one that lasts at least a day.   It's not always debilitating, but it's certainly enough that I don't like how I feel.  It tends to make me want to sleep and eat too much.  I need to break up with her and I don't feel like it's appropriate to do it any way other than face to face.  I may not like it, but I'm that kind of a guy.

Then there's my19 year old daughter.  She's been living with me since March of last year and I have adored having her with me.  She left on vacation back at the end of June and today she called me saying she isn't coming home.  I understand her reasons and do not fault her at all for her decision and under the circumstances I think it's the best thing.  But I wasn't included in the discussion of the decision and it hurts.  I feel rejected and cast aside.

It's a bad day for me and I just feel so drained and want to go back to sleep after a two hour nap already.

Anxiety Attack

I had a bit of an anxiety attack today.  Nothing major, but it made me cut short a visit with a friend.  I've been getting out of my comfort zone for a bit and it's just been building up until today the attack hit.  A nap took care of it, at least most of it.  I'm still feeling a bit of anxiety, but it's livable.

Feeling Really Down

I'm feeling really down right now.  The car is fixed but it cost about twice what I originally thought (the water pump needed replacement as well as the alternator.)  It's nice to get around and everything, but at the same time I'm feeling really lonely at the moment.  My sister doesn't feel like doing anything lately and I really don't have any local friends I can just ask to go out with.

Good News and Therapy News

I saw my psychologist today and she's going to have me get into something called dialectical behavior therapy.  I'm not entirely sure what this entails even though I read about it in Wikipedia.  It's sort of like cognitive behavior therapy but there are some differences.  Since I'm a veteran it's being done through the VA.  But since the VA doesn't have any specialists in this discipline in my area, they're outsourcing it but it may be a while before I get to the front of the line.  We shall see what we shall see.

On the good news front, I'm finally getting my car fixed after three months.  It will be so nice to have wheels again, even though I'll be spending lots of money for gas.

Today's Therapy Cancelled

I was supposed to have a therapy appointment this afternoon starting my cognitive behavior therapy but this morning the guy cancelled and no new appointment was made.  We'll see what's going on tomorrow when I see the psychologist who's overseeing my treatment.