Sunday, June 5, 2011
Going Out in the World
My car has been out of commission for the past couple of months which means I've been having to ride the bus. I don't mind the bus so much but I live in a college town and there seems to be a disproportionately large number of young, attractive women. Now I'm not some creepy guy who wants to hit on them, (they're probably no more than half my age) but they are attractive and since I'm a normal male (at least in terms of appreciating the female form) I do enjoy looking at them. Unfortunately, these women also scare me. In my head the voices (internal dialog; I'm not schizophrenic) tell me that they'd hate me and wouldn't want to talk to me, etc., etc., etc. This sets up the social anxiety. I'm not a physically attractive guy (thanks to the depression) and when I go out, especially alone, I feel as if I'm pre-rejected for any kind of social contact and so I start to feel anxious. Intellectually I know this isn't the case (although I'm also aware of a prejudice against being overweight) but nonetheless I feel as though people look at me and want to keep away from me. By the time I get home I'm all strung out and I usually end up taking a nap to escape the depression.