I am SOOOO Bored

And even if I were to go out and about I'd still be bored.  I've been trying to deal with it with Star Trek: The Next Generation, but alas, that isn't working very well.  I could watch my JELL-O solidify in my fridge but that wouldn't be very exciting either, nor would it be good for the food in the fridge.

Life Can Sometimes Suck A Lot

I've been seeing a lady that I originally hoped would lead to a romantic relationship but I'm afraid it just won't happen.  It's not that she's not interested, she is, and I like her, too.  But she drains me.  It could be that she suffers from depression as well but I don't think that's the reason.  In any case, after I see her I end up having an anxiety attack, one that lasts at least a day.   It's not always debilitating, but it's certainly enough that I don't like how I feel.  It tends to make me want to sleep and eat too much.  I need to break up with her and I don't feel like it's appropriate to do it any way other than face to face.  I may not like it, but I'm that kind of a guy.

Then there's my19 year old daughter.  She's been living with me since March of last year and I have adored having her with me.  She left on vacation back at the end of June and today she called me saying she isn't coming home.  I understand her reasons and do not fault her at all for her decision and under the circumstances I think it's the best thing.  But I wasn't included in the discussion of the decision and it hurts.  I feel rejected and cast aside.

It's a bad day for me and I just feel so drained and want to go back to sleep after a two hour nap already.

Anxiety Attack

I had a bit of an anxiety attack today.  Nothing major, but it made me cut short a visit with a friend.  I've been getting out of my comfort zone for a bit and it's just been building up until today the attack hit.  A nap took care of it, at least most of it.  I'm still feeling a bit of anxiety, but it's livable.

Feeling Really Down

I'm feeling really down right now.  The car is fixed but it cost about twice what I originally thought (the water pump needed replacement as well as the alternator.)  It's nice to get around and everything, but at the same time I'm feeling really lonely at the moment.  My sister doesn't feel like doing anything lately and I really don't have any local friends I can just ask to go out with.

Good News and Therapy News

I saw my psychologist today and she's going to have me get into something called dialectical behavior therapy.  I'm not entirely sure what this entails even though I read about it in Wikipedia.  It's sort of like cognitive behavior therapy but there are some differences.  Since I'm a veteran it's being done through the VA.  But since the VA doesn't have any specialists in this discipline in my area, they're outsourcing it but it may be a while before I get to the front of the line.  We shall see what we shall see.

On the good news front, I'm finally getting my car fixed after three months.  It will be so nice to have wheels again, even though I'll be spending lots of money for gas.

Today's Therapy Cancelled

I was supposed to have a therapy appointment this afternoon starting my cognitive behavior therapy but this morning the guy cancelled and no new appointment was made.  We'll see what's going on tomorrow when I see the psychologist who's overseeing my treatment.

Vacation Cancelled

After doing some thinking about my finances, I've had to cancel my vacation plans.  I can't really save enough money to go to L.A. in August.    It's made me very depressed and I just feel like crying.

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want To

Today marks the 51st anniversary of my birth.  It's been a somewhat busy day but at the same time I'm a bit depressed because I'm another year older and looking back at all the stuff I could have accomplished if I had not been weighed down by my depression.  But my younger daughter (she's 19) bought me a bobble-head Gandalf figure and a can of Romulan Ale which will not be consumed because I don't particularly like energy drinks but it's cool because I'm a Trekkie from way back.  ("Why Bones you know this is illegal." "I only use it for medicinal purposes.")  She also made a cake and hand decorated it and it really pulled at my heart strings.

So all in all it was a good birthday.

Therapy

Last month I started seeing a new therapist (first one in about 2 1/2 years) and yesterday I had my second appointment.  We're going to try to do Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and see what that comes out with.  I've tried it once before but it wasn't very successful.  We're taking a different approach this time.  We'll see.  To be honest, I don't have a lot of faith in therapy.  I've been in therapy off and on since I was six years old and I'm in worse shape than I ever was.  We'll see.

Friends and Lovers

I was going to post this as a response to a comment earlier but I decided to make a new entry.  (Wow, 3 in a day.  It's a madhouse!  A madhouse!)

I've had two long-term relationships and several long distance relationships and with the exception of the last long term one, they weren't very satisfying.  It's easy to get involved in a long term relationship but ultimately they're not satisfactory because there's no physical contact and I'm a very physical kind of guy.  With my income there's not much hope of traveling very far very often.

My first long term relationship was my marriage.  I don't want to discuss much of it right now because what goes on the 'net stays on the 'net.  Let's just say that my depression set up some interpersonal problems that weren't able to be resolved.  I needed far more emotional support than most people could give.

My second long term relationship ended with her breaking up with me which was a sudden shock to me.  She came over on a date, sat me down and said it was over.  She listed a number of reasons, and frankly, they all were based on my depression.  She didn't say that my depression was the reason but rather she mentioned symptoms of my lifestyle that she couldn't deal with which were caused by my depression.  I don't think she connected the reasons with the depression.

As for friends, I don't have any that are close to me, emotionally or geographically.  I have a couple that are about as close as they can get, but I don't think they can take the full brunt of the depression.  It's hard being alone when what I want most is a closeness that's really a fantasy.

I've pretty much given up on having another romantic relationship and I'm just not social enough to get any other kind of relationship either.  Such is life.

Vacation Planning

I'm hoping to go on vacation in the third week of August to visit my dad in L.A.  It's not going to be cheap and I have to get my car fixed and I'm on disability which means there's not a lot of money coming in, so I'm going to be saving a huge fraction of my monthly income so I can drive down there with my younger daughter who lives with me.  (She's 19.)  Hopefully, my older daughter will be able to fly down to L.A. so we can meet up and do things together.  Let's hope I can keep saving the money.  Three months isn't a lot of time to save for what this is going to cost.

Going Out in the World

My car has been out of commission for the past couple of months which means I've been having to ride the bus.  I don't mind the bus so much but I live in a college town and there seems to be a disproportionately large number of young, attractive women.  Now I'm not some creepy guy who wants to hit on them, (they're probably no more than half my age) but they are attractive and since I'm a normal male (at least in terms of appreciating the female form) I do enjoy looking at them.  Unfortunately, these women also scare me.  In my head the voices (internal dialog; I'm not schizophrenic) tell me that they'd hate me and wouldn't want to talk to me, etc., etc., etc.  This sets up the social anxiety.  I'm not a physically attractive guy (thanks to the depression) and when I go out, especially alone, I feel as if I'm pre-rejected for any kind of social contact and so I start to feel anxious.  Intellectually I know this isn't the case (although I'm also aware of a prejudice against being overweight) but nonetheless I feel as though people look at me and want to keep away from me.  By the time I get home I'm all strung out and I usually end up taking a nap to escape the depression.

Whine, Whine, Whine

Wow, somebody found my blog!  lol  You've inspired a new post!

One of the biggest problems with writing about my depression is that I feel like it's going to sound like whining.  I can relate the problems I've had with depression but still it's there, the emotional abandonment I suffered as a child, being sent off to a boarding school that I called, "A Jewish Home for Orphans and Other So-Sos," the inability to find a lasting relationship until I was nearly 30 (which ended 10 years later) and so on.

The thing is, the depression infects every aspect of my life, not just how I feel but how much I eat which in turn has caused a number of physical problems such as diabetes, high blood pressure, morbid obesity, etc.  I'm also emotionally needy and a bit clingy, and at nearly 51 years old, there aren't many women who want an emotionally stunted guy for a mate.

I basically spend most of my time coping with the depression by living as stress-free a life as I can.  It means I'm mostly a shut-in because I also suffer from social anxiety.  It's so bad that sometimes I can't even walk to the local Safeway to go shopping.  Sometimes the mailbox is too far away for me to comfortably go to.

That's about all I've got to say at this time, but maybe I'll be inspired to write a bit more often.